Even After All, I Still Care

In continuation of yesterday... It felt like a long day too, but I was glad when 5pm rolled around. I went to my parents house after work which is what I normally do. We had dinner and then I went over to my grandparents house with my little brother. He was staying at Mema's house because it was Mom and Dads 24th Anniversary. Yeah, they've been married a looooonnnng time! :) I stayed their for a litttle while and played with JJ and Mema and we watched part of a movie too. Anyways, I left their and had to go by my work because I had left my laptop. ugh! Finally, I went home and took a shower, and just relaxed for a while. Also Eric came over and he stayed with me again. :) That always makes me happy! Oh my goshhh, I defiantly have a story to tell you all. It's crazy too! As you know I had already taken a shower before Eric got their and then he took a shower, so he was walking around my house in a shirt and his boxers. I have no idea why. lol Anyways, I was walking downstairs from the kitchen and Eric was going outside to get a movie out of his car... Well he opens the door wide and shuts it real fast, turns around and look at me and says "ah, there's a guy here". I thought he was just kidding because who the heck could it be. Well I had forgot I had been texting Leonard a little on and off today and asked him if he wanted to meet up later. He said if he could it'd be late cause he had to work, well go figure he showed up at my house when Eric had to be there. I was so freakin' shocked, and frankly I bet he was to come to my door w/ a guy standing their with barely nothing on. I hate that it happened like that, really I do. I know it looked terribly awful on my part, but I swear Eric and I are just friend and nothing was going on. Well I went outside and talked to Leonard for about a half hour or little more, of course I did most of the talking. He wouldn't even look at me, and that broke my heart. :'( I asked him once again what changed his mind, and finally I got something out of him. He said that he regretted what we did and he didnt even want to be in his own skin. That made me feel even more worse to be honest. Especially when he said not only can he not look at me, but he cant look at his parents or anyone for that matter. But I told him I knew how he felt... When I was TJ that weekend in Lancaster and some things happened for the first time w/ me it took me a good while before I was able to get over it or look at my parents without feeling like a really bad person. So I do know how he feels, it just takes time to let things run their course, but it will get easier I told him. If I could go back and change what we did, not that it was even that bad, I would in a second. I just don't want to see him like this if he's really telling me the truth about why he changed his mind. Plus if we hadn't of done what we did then we probably wouldn't even be having this conversation and everything might be okay. Oh well, thats life though, you have to learn from you mistakes and more forward. I just hope he'll still talk to me after seeing Eric at my house and all. If he doesn't that's his problem I guess, but I cant blame him either. Even though Eric and I are just friends for real. but what he saw made it look like it was a whole lot more. He still means the absolute world to me even though everything doesn't make complete sense to me. He'll always be the most amazing guy I have ever been with too. I'll never change how I feel about it, and he'll always be special to me. In time we'll see how things work out, and hopefully all this is for the best. But anyways, that was the extent of my day yesterday... Interesting I know. I'll keep you updated though.

Now, lets talk about today. :) We woke up this morning and Eric had to leave about 6:20am ish for work and I was like leave me alone I wanna sleep. lol So he kissed me and I went back to sleep till my alarm went off at 7:45am. Got up, sure didn't want to though... I got ready for work real quick and then that was about it, well I did leave. lol It was another slow, boring, long day though for the most part. At least till 5pm got here. By the way, Leonard was being such a major a** today. I know that's pretty harsh but it's the truth. I had texted him this morning and was like I'm sorry you had to see Eric like that and all at my house last night, but I swear we weren't doing anything. I mean first off I dont even have to prove anything to him or make my point because frankly it doesnt matter what he thinks.We'll he never responded to my text so I asked him this afternoon in another text if he had gotten it and all he says is yeah. I don't know why, but he was just being really short with me, so I said "Well sorry to bother you" and "hope you have fun tonight with her". I honestly didnt mean it sadistically or anything, but apparently he took it that way, and he replys with something like "oh I will you can bet on it". I was like okay then.... and he goes "whatever bye, I g2g". It kinda made me upset so I told him that I don't deserve to be treated that way because I didn't do anything to him and never did for that matter. He's the one who stopped talking to me and started acting like a d***. All I've done is try to talk to him about a million things and pour out my feelings for him, trying to get it through his head that I DO care. But apparently he doesnt understand or he's just a typical guy like all the rest that I have ever ended up falling for. Oh well, I'm making my mind up now that I don't deserve to be treated that way by anyone and I know that for a fact. I'm just so sick and tired of stupid guys who think they can play around with a girls feelings and her heart and then it be all fun an games. I hate to break it to them it's defiantly not fun at all by any means and they need to grow up and be men. It's not that I hate Leonard, not even a little bit at all, I just dont get what went wrong and now why he has to treat me this way. I mean he finally said he still wanted to be friends and if this is how he's going to act then honestly I dont want any part in it. That breaks my heart but it's just the flat out truth. I do still care about him and I always will but I cant live my life waiting around on him. I do want to be with him but I'm not sure that we could ever be what we were again. It's just I've never felt the way I feel about him for any other guy. Even after all that has happened I still truly care for him and there isn't anything that could ever change that. I can't even begin to describe how I feel towards him, it's just amazing. I guess if it's meant to be and he's The One then in time we'll see. I'll do my best to be patient but I'm still not very good at that. I'm just beginning to wonder if there are even any more good, real men out there... Besides that, after work I went home for a little bit and Victoria came over because were going to the Yellow Mall to look around for a little while. It was alright, but honestly we didn't find anything good. Oh well that's how it goes sometimes... We were suppose to be making pizza tonight (like we've been planing for a week now) but we decided to get Fuji's instead. It was really really good too! :) Tonight was the first meal I have actually ate at my new house. Funny ain't it? But that's because I've been at my parents house every night since I moved in, till tonight that is. Then later on we made a sorta late night trip to walmart to get some Dr. Pepper. lol We had a major craving for some odd reason. Anyways, that's pretty much my day. Goodnight!