Ah!

Hello! So, I figured I'd update you on the past few days.... Since Monday at least. Not to much has happened though. I've stayed at my parents house every night this week. I know I'm crazy, but oh well. lol I've had a hard week so far, every day has felt like a Monday all over again. Specially yesterday it was just awful! It started to get better later that afternoon because I got to see Daniel (him and Mark work for dad some). He's always really positive and makes me feel alot better. :) Then things got worse again because Leonard was being an a** in texting. He just kept saying 'whatever' and all kinds of junk, so that didn't help at all. I let it go though because I just don't need that kinda drama in my life at all. You know? Well after work (this is still yesterday) I went home, to my parents house, and ate some dinner. Then I met Bradley at the cheap movie theater. I just needed to relax and have some down time after the day I had had and Bradley and I wanted to meet for the first time, so we did. It wasn't the first impression I wanted him to have of me, still in work clothes, and all stressed out, but it's okay. lol He was really nice! :) He even paid for my movie, which shocked me big time. I was like well thank you, you didn't have to do that, and he goes yeah it really broke my bank. haha He's funny too, which is always good. To put it in a nut shell, he seemed really great and I still want to consider him for a roommate. Nothing is out of the question right now at all. Anyways, we talked for a little bit after the movie (we saw The Heartbreak Kid) and he went and saw my house w/ me too. Then I went back to my parents house for the night again. I got to talk to Bradley again online for a little bit and then I was tired so we both got off and went to bed. That was the extent of my yesterday and pretty much the past few days. lol
So, today.... well it started off alot better than the rest of the week, thank God. Work was pretty slow as usual so I tried to find some stuff to do and be productive. hehe Dad did ask me to ride with him this morning and help do some stops, so I did. That made the day go by a little faster at least. But also I kinda got the lectures.... HE said he was up this morning at 4am praying for me and decided to read my whole myspace. That I wasn't to fond of to be honest because their's alot on it and it's kinda personal. I do know it is on the internet and everyONE can see it, but to my family it's like I wanted them to be left out of it just cause it's my LIFE. You know? Anyways, I want even go into what all he said it'd just be pointless to even talk about honestly. I know he cares though, I mean he's my dad of course, and i love him with all my heart but still. I am 18 and I am making and have made my own choices and what I do with my life is up to me. But anyways enough about that! I had leftover pizza for lunch that we had cooked on the Big Green Egg yesterday and it was great. Yumm!
After work I went by my parents house, for dinner of course, and to get some of my things because I decided I'd spend the night at my house tonight. Finally, I know. lol It's just that I don't like being at home alone it makes me feel weird and I hear everything which I hate. I'll get used to it eventually though, I hope or either I'll get a roommate. But I left my parents house all upset because when I got home mom started lecturing me about everything. It was mainly the same things dad had lectured me about in the car earlier today. So I went home all in tears.... I called Eric (which by the way he had called me like an hr before that for a min.) and asked if he was getting out anywhere tonight and he wasn't. He had worked 21 hours today so he was defiantly tired. I just hate being at home by myself and specially when I'm upset it makes everything a whole lot worse. Well anyways to make a long story short I stayed their by myself and went to bed a little after 9pm. I just felt awful and I needed some sleep to try to relax. That was pretty much it though...

Jumbled

Hey everyone! I know I'm behind once again in updating and I apologize for that. I've just been busy as always and had alot going on. I did have a great Thanksgiving though. Hope you all did too. :) To fill you all in on my 'love life' of whatever you want to call it.... I talked to Leonard Wednesday (21st) night on IM. It went alright I guess, to be honest I'm not sure what alright really is anymore. Basically he acts like he hates me and doesnt want to have anything to do with me. So the last thing I told him was I was sorry for pouring out my feelings towards him but I didn't know what else to do. It's hard for me to let go of someone or someone that I dont understand what when wrong or why. You know? SO I told him I was completely done and I was going to leave him alone for good now. If he wanted me in his life he knows how to get in touch with me. It just seems like so much for staying friends like he said, but thats life. Maybe in time it'll all work out if it's meant to be. I'm not going to worry about it though because I've done all I can do. That's enough about him now!

Kimberly spent the night with me on Thanksgiving and we had alot of fun. We went shopping late that afternoon and then we went back out at midnight or Friday morning and went to the mall. Yes with all the other crazy people. haha The day after Thanksgiving sales are pretty good but theirs just way to many people out. Plus since this year the mall opened at midnight that was different. We stayed out till about 2am in the morning and then went back to my house and went to bed. I was freaking tired! Oh and my sister spent the night with us too. Anyways we got back up around 7am ish and went shopping a little more. I decorated my house all afternoon Friday and it looked great. I put up my Christmas tree and everything. Then Mom gave me a little house warming party with some family and close friends that night. I got some pretty neat stuff too. :) lol It was fun!

So I didnt hear from Eric at all till yesterday (the25th), since Thanksgiving day. I was really worried because it wasnt like him. Plus it felt weird not talking to him or seeing him occasionally. But he replied to a myspace message I had sent him asking what was up and why he hadn't called me or returned my calls the past several days. He said he left his phone charger at a friends house and wouldn't get it back till last night (Sunday the 25th). I somewhat find that quite hard to believe, because I know I couldn't go that long without my cell phone. Come on! lol Anyways he messaged me really late last night saying he got it back and that he'd call me later on tomorrow, well today now. So hopefully he does because I really really miss him alot. I know we're just friends but still. I spent the night at my parents last night too. I just didnt want to be home by myself really. It has been so nasty and raining today. I hate those kinda days because it just makes you wanna stay in bed all day, wrapped up in a blanket, watching TV and eating of course. haha I could have stayed in bed all day too. Ugh! To bad I have to work for a living though I guess. Anyways, work definantly felt like a Monday big time today. It went by so slow and it was freezing all day. I got off work a little bit early today because I still wasn't feeling to good, and I went to my parents house. I layed in bed and slept for about an hour an a half about I think, and then got up and ate some dinner. Hot dogs, gotta love those. lol I had to go over to my house and grab a few things though because I decided to stay at my parents house again for the night. I know what your thinking... I have my own house yet God only knows why I don't stay their. Oh well! Maybe I miss being with my parents and all. Honestly I kinda do and I never thought I'd say that. Also tonight I started talking to this guy, his name is Bradley by the way. He'es Jasons cousin, oh Jason is a guy who's Dad used to work for my dad a long time ago. So to say the least we talked for a really long time about just everything really. It was great and I enjoyed our conversation alot. Alrite, Sorry for jumping around alot on you in this post but that's because I haven't updated in a while and all my thoughts were just jumbled together. I wont let it get that bad next time, promise.

Holiday

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! =] I hope everyone has a wonderful day, dont eat to much. haha I know I will, that's for sure. I cant wait either. I'm fixing to head over to my grandparents now actually. I'll update you all later.... Have a blessed day.

Yesterday

Hello! So to start off I got up yesterday morning, got ready for work and went in about 8:30am. That's usually the time I try to get there by, need those hours that's for sure. lol I ate left over Fujis for breakfast too. It was alright but then I felt kinda sick afterwards. I couldn't let it go to waste though, and on Wednesdays we cookout at work for lunch. Yummmm! It was good too, but now that much happened yesterday. Just one of those semi boring work days I guess. So, after work I went by my grandparents to drop the turkey off that we had cooked for them on the Big Green Egg, and then I went to my parents house. I had to make pumpkin pies for tomorrow, and also wash some clothes. Loads of fun, not! lol Also Victoria came over later on and spent the night with me. We just hung out really, watched tv, talked, and ate ice cream. :) That was my yesterday, as you can tell quite boring.

Even After All, I Still Care

In continuation of yesterday... It felt like a long day too, but I was glad when 5pm rolled around. I went to my parents house after work which is what I normally do. We had dinner and then I went over to my grandparents house with my little brother. He was staying at Mema's house because it was Mom and Dads 24th Anniversary. Yeah, they've been married a looooonnnng time! :) I stayed their for a litttle while and played with JJ and Mema and we watched part of a movie too. Anyways, I left their and had to go by my work because I had left my laptop. ugh! Finally, I went home and took a shower, and just relaxed for a while. Also Eric came over and he stayed with me again. :) That always makes me happy! Oh my goshhh, I defiantly have a story to tell you all. It's crazy too! As you know I had already taken a shower before Eric got their and then he took a shower, so he was walking around my house in a shirt and his boxers. I have no idea why. lol Anyways, I was walking downstairs from the kitchen and Eric was going outside to get a movie out of his car... Well he opens the door wide and shuts it real fast, turns around and look at me and says "ah, there's a guy here". I thought he was just kidding because who the heck could it be. Well I had forgot I had been texting Leonard a little on and off today and asked him if he wanted to meet up later. He said if he could it'd be late cause he had to work, well go figure he showed up at my house when Eric had to be there. I was so freakin' shocked, and frankly I bet he was to come to my door w/ a guy standing their with barely nothing on. I hate that it happened like that, really I do. I know it looked terribly awful on my part, but I swear Eric and I are just friend and nothing was going on. Well I went outside and talked to Leonard for about a half hour or little more, of course I did most of the talking. He wouldn't even look at me, and that broke my heart. :'( I asked him once again what changed his mind, and finally I got something out of him. He said that he regretted what we did and he didnt even want to be in his own skin. That made me feel even more worse to be honest. Especially when he said not only can he not look at me, but he cant look at his parents or anyone for that matter. But I told him I knew how he felt... When I was TJ that weekend in Lancaster and some things happened for the first time w/ me it took me a good while before I was able to get over it or look at my parents without feeling like a really bad person. So I do know how he feels, it just takes time to let things run their course, but it will get easier I told him. If I could go back and change what we did, not that it was even that bad, I would in a second. I just don't want to see him like this if he's really telling me the truth about why he changed his mind. Plus if we hadn't of done what we did then we probably wouldn't even be having this conversation and everything might be okay. Oh well, thats life though, you have to learn from you mistakes and more forward. I just hope he'll still talk to me after seeing Eric at my house and all. If he doesn't that's his problem I guess, but I cant blame him either. Even though Eric and I are just friends for real. but what he saw made it look like it was a whole lot more. He still means the absolute world to me even though everything doesn't make complete sense to me. He'll always be the most amazing guy I have ever been with too. I'll never change how I feel about it, and he'll always be special to me. In time we'll see how things work out, and hopefully all this is for the best. But anyways, that was the extent of my day yesterday... Interesting I know. I'll keep you updated though.

Now, lets talk about today. :) We woke up this morning and Eric had to leave about 6:20am ish for work and I was like leave me alone I wanna sleep. lol So he kissed me and I went back to sleep till my alarm went off at 7:45am. Got up, sure didn't want to though... I got ready for work real quick and then that was about it, well I did leave. lol It was another slow, boring, long day though for the most part. At least till 5pm got here. By the way, Leonard was being such a major a** today. I know that's pretty harsh but it's the truth. I had texted him this morning and was like I'm sorry you had to see Eric like that and all at my house last night, but I swear we weren't doing anything. I mean first off I dont even have to prove anything to him or make my point because frankly it doesnt matter what he thinks.We'll he never responded to my text so I asked him this afternoon in another text if he had gotten it and all he says is yeah. I don't know why, but he was just being really short with me, so I said "Well sorry to bother you" and "hope you have fun tonight with her". I honestly didnt mean it sadistically or anything, but apparently he took it that way, and he replys with something like "oh I will you can bet on it". I was like okay then.... and he goes "whatever bye, I g2g". It kinda made me upset so I told him that I don't deserve to be treated that way because I didn't do anything to him and never did for that matter. He's the one who stopped talking to me and started acting like a d***. All I've done is try to talk to him about a million things and pour out my feelings for him, trying to get it through his head that I DO care. But apparently he doesnt understand or he's just a typical guy like all the rest that I have ever ended up falling for. Oh well, I'm making my mind up now that I don't deserve to be treated that way by anyone and I know that for a fact. I'm just so sick and tired of stupid guys who think they can play around with a girls feelings and her heart and then it be all fun an games. I hate to break it to them it's defiantly not fun at all by any means and they need to grow up and be men. It's not that I hate Leonard, not even a little bit at all, I just dont get what went wrong and now why he has to treat me this way. I mean he finally said he still wanted to be friends and if this is how he's going to act then honestly I dont want any part in it. That breaks my heart but it's just the flat out truth. I do still care about him and I always will but I cant live my life waiting around on him. I do want to be with him but I'm not sure that we could ever be what we were again. It's just I've never felt the way I feel about him for any other guy. Even after all that has happened I still truly care for him and there isn't anything that could ever change that. I can't even begin to describe how I feel towards him, it's just amazing. I guess if it's meant to be and he's The One then in time we'll see. I'll do my best to be patient but I'm still not very good at that. I'm just beginning to wonder if there are even any more good, real men out there... Besides that, after work I went home for a little bit and Victoria came over because were going to the Yellow Mall to look around for a little while. It was alright, but honestly we didn't find anything good. Oh well that's how it goes sometimes... We were suppose to be making pizza tonight (like we've been planing for a week now) but we decided to get Fuji's instead. It was really really good too! :) Tonight was the first meal I have actually ate at my new house. Funny ain't it? But that's because I've been at my parents house every night since I moved in, till tonight that is. Then later on we made a sorta late night trip to walmart to get some Dr. Pepper. lol We had a major craving for some odd reason. Anyways, that's pretty much my day. Goodnight!

Past Few Days

Hi! I figured it was time to update again. lol To speed everyone up fairly quickly, Saturday (the 17th), my family and I all went shopping to Commerce GA. It was alot of fun and we found some deals too. :) Sunday, or yesterday, I got up, went to church, and then went and ate lunch at my parents house. It was soooo good! I love macaroni and cheese. lol My sister and I took some pictures of each other in the back yard, because we needed some new ones for our myspace of course. I watched football after lunch for a little while. Yeah, I said football. lol Ever since I spent that Sunday w/ Leonard and his family I've been hooked on watching it. I used to hate football too, but now I actually enjoy it. Maybe it's because the fact it reminds me of Leonard, which is probaly the reason, but I still enjoy it. I dont completely get it but that's okay. So, that afternoon I did some stuff around my house and then Victoria and I hung out for a while. We went to that knew Academy sports place and checked out the guys. haha Just kidding! Then we went to Big Lots and I did some Christmas shopping. Oh guess who I got to talk to for a while.... Aaron. We havent talked in forever, but when we do we always have something to talk about. It's great because he understands me and it's never a silent second when we're on the phone together. :) He's coming to see me eithert his weekend or the next. I cant wait!! Well, I had dinner at my parents house again, because Dad had me pick up a pizza for us all since Mom was gone to homegroup. We also watched Pirates of the Caribbean because JJ (my little brother) wanted to watch the pirate sword fighting. lol Alright so here's what made my night and completely shocked me. I had sent Leonard a myspace message around lunch time yesterday. I never expected to get a reply back honestly, plus since he's not talking to me, but I actually did later on that night. I was really, really surprised! Don't take me wrong though, I was glad he did. But the reason I sent him the message was I was trying to help myself, in an attempt to try and let him go, as well as explain some things to him that needed to be said. Like I said before it's just so hard for me to let someone go when I don't understand what happened. And especially someone who means soooo much to me, and to be truthful I don't want to let him go but I dont know what to do. I can't just wait around hoping he'll come to his senses one day and fall for me again, but then again I'm not the kinda girl who gives up without a fight either. Anyways, in his message he was apologizing for the text he had sent from Joshs' phone a while back and messing with me like that. It still hurts me though to be honest, and I still don't understand what went wrong between us, but he said he didn't want to talk about what changed his mind. For all I know it could have been another girl or something. I mean I'm not going to be his re bound or whatever. If it was another girl, I'm not someone to play around with or do something just when you cant get anything else. I've already been used like that before and it really hurts. So ever again will I settle for anything less than what I deserve! Ah, I just really want to know what happened, but he wont talk about it. So anyways.... He did say he wanted to be friends but it took him a while to get over it. I do want to be friends with him though, I just dont know if he's going to be able to handle that. I mean I'll try my best because he does mean everything to me, even after all that's happened. By the way, I have no idea what he was getting 'over' because he's the one who stopped talking to me, for whatever reason he had. That's just stupid in a way if you ask me. What was there to get over when he's the one who did this to me, seriously? Guys, you cant live with the, and you sure can't live without them. lol But I'm done with them for good now, till I meet Mr Right and I'm sure as heck done trying to figure them out because it's pointless. Then a few mins after I had replied to his message he called me. I was shocked once again. We talked for about half an hour or so, well I'm the one who did like all the talking pretty much. I don't know why he want talk, but actually he's never been that talkative around me for some reason. I don't know if thats good or bad really. I am very glad I got to talk to him, I still don't know what to think, but in time everything will be okay. That was the extent of my past few days...

Lets see, now that I've got you all semi up to date, it's Monday obviously and it sure feels like it. Ugh! I cant wait till Wednesday is over because Thursday is Thanksgiving!!! =] Fooooodddd! lol I went to work this morning, as I usually do during the week.

Not Alone

Good morning! Well it is for me at least.... lol So yesterdays excitement at work was the little mouse eating our chips. lol After work I went to my parents house for dinner and to finish washing my clothes. Then I went home and it was really really cold, and majorly windy too last night. It was round about 7 ish or so, I was sitting in the kitchen on my laptop, when i hear this really loud noise outside the window. Oh my goshhhh, I freaked out! I called my dad first and he said it was probably just the wend, but I don't know what it was. It scared the living sh** out of me. lol I called Victoria and told her and she wouldn't come over and stay with me, so then I called Eric and he was like just stay in the house and I'll be over there in a little bit. He was going to eat... or something and it was like an hour and half before he finally got to my house. I seriously was freaking out though till he got there at least and that was at like 10pm. I didn't expect him to stay with me because he said he couldn't when he had work during the week, but he decided to since he knew I was scared. I know, how sweet of him! :) I didnt have to stay alone, in my own house. lol I slept alot better with him their too, so thank goodness he stayed with me. What sucks was he had to get up by like 5:30am and leave around 6am to get to work. So after he left I went back to sleep till 8:30am. Yes, I over slept about 45mins, but oh well... I was really tired still for some reason. I left for work and got there around 9am, and that's all I did till about 5pm when we closed. Oh, at lucnh time I did have to go home and meet the plumber guys to fix my lines that are clogged. It sucks because when ever I take a shower or use a good bit of water the downstairs tolliet overflows. It definatly needed to be fixed, because I've had enough of the water being all in the dad gum floor and having to clean it up everytime. Ugh! Anyways, of course I did the usual after work and went by my parents house for dinner. I've been there everyday since I moved out. lol They just thought they were getting rid of me when I moved out. not! haha

Dream

Hello! =] I figured it was about time to update everyone on whats going on in my life in the last few days. Well, since the 12 th (Monday) because now it's the 15 th. Yah, for Thursday because that means tomorrow is Friday. I know, I'm smart aren't I. lol Oh shut up! Anyways, things are going alright just working and all that fun stuff. Last night Ben came by and we watched TV for a while and just hung out and then Victoria spent the night with me again so I wouldn't be lonely. Which to be honest I'm enjoying being by myself. Well not to much has happened since well you know who and I have quit talking. I know y'all are still wondering why the heck I'm still even bringing him up after everything that's happened but I cant help it. You just have no idea how much Leo means to me, I cant even explain it. Speaking of Leo, I had the weirdest dream about him last night. It was really weird, and to add it was the only dream I've ever had of him, that I remember at least. All I can remember of it was he finally decided to meet me and talk about what was really going on, which I don't remember what all was said to be honest. Sorry, it was a dream! The next thing I know is were laying in bed and I kissed him and he just layed there like I wasn't even in the pitcher... and I got so upset and frustrated that I told him to just leave and never talk to me again. I was sick of his crap and what he had put me through that I was done for good this time. Well, so he left and next thing I remember was he was getting into his car and I flicked him off. I have no idea why but it was just a really weird dream. As you can tell! lol Then to add to all my hurt and frustrations with Leo, on the 13th (Tuesday) him and Josh decided to mess with me and play games with me. Yeah, that really pissed me off big time! I can understand Josh doing it but not Leo, I thought he was different for sure. But I guess friends don't fall far from the tree either. lol It really hurt me what they did. In a nut shell Josh texted me asking to come by and I was like I guess... and he goes can we make out? and i told him we'll see but that was really a NO. I just didn't want to be by myself. Anyways, before I could send him a text back saying I really didn't want him to come over because I'm through being used by him (Josh), I get a text from Leo saying I hope you have fun doing whatever when Josh gets there and to think I was feeling bad, don't worry about texting back I'd much rather you not. So come to find out it was either Leo texting from Josh's phone or both of them thinking they'd have some 'fun'. I hate to break it to em' it wasn't funny at all and I got really upset. To think that Leo would honestly stoop so low to doing that to me, I mean its exactly something Josh would do. I was just astonished that he did it to be honest. :'( I would still do anything to understand what went wrong or why he's being this way, but it's not looking to promising any more. I don't want it to happen like it did in my dream by any means but I do wish he'd just sit down and talk to me like a normal person and be a man about whatever the reason is. You know? Maybe one day, but till then I wont give up but at the same time I cant sit around wasting my time, hurting, and being miserable over this either. So I wont, I have enough to do in my own life as it is to be worried or upset about some guy. Like I said before if he's The One then he still will be in due time. So we shall see then. That enough about that, so I'm at work right now being bored. If you didn't notice that is. lol I better get back to doing something productive though. Oh one more thing... My excitement for the day was trying to catch a little mouse that was eating our chips. It was hilarious! lol Well, I'll keep you all updated on my life, because I know you all just love it. :)

Update

Hi! =] Well I haven't wrote anything since the 7th, and it's now (Monday) the 12th. Sorry about that, but I've been really busy in the past few days. I don't remember what I did this past Thursday though, besides work at least. On Friday night I went to a bonfire with Victoria at this girls house. It was pretty fun, and I met a guy there too. You know me! By the way I haven't heard from Leonard since Friday afternoon in a text. It was just kinda whatever I guess because he still doesn't make any sense to me and I don't know what going on with him. I don't know when I will of if I will for that matter. I sure hope so though because it's driving me crazy. I miss him soooo much! Anyways enough about that... So, after the bonfire I went with him (Eric) to wal-mart and then Waffle House and that was at like midnight already. I called Mom and told her I'd be home later because we were going back to his house to watch a movie. Which we did, but I kinda fell asleep there and didn't get up till Saturday morning around 10am ish. I know your thinking I'm crazy because I stayed at some guys house I barely know, but I did have fun. That's all that matters... Right? So I get home on Saturday morning and of course get bitched out because I didn't come home like I said. But I really did fall asleep and heck it was late and I didn't want to be driving at that time of night in the first place. I was informed within the 30 mins of me getting home that I had to be out of their house and into my new house by that night. So me ired as he** started loading up my car and made several trips back and fourth with all my stuff. Ah, it was a long long Saturday that's for sure. I got alot moved in though so it was good. Saturday night Eric (the guy I met at the bonfire) came and stayed with me. Which was nice I mean two nights in a row you cant beat that. lol Plus I didn't want to be by myself the first night in my house. We hung out and watched tv and I fell asleep around 9ish and he put me in my bed. Awww! :) We didn't get out of bed till around 11am on Sunday and then he stayed till a little after 1pm. I went to my parents house to eat lunch, it's free. lol I know I'm crazy but I don't have like any groceries yet. Anyways I moved some more of my stuff into the house yesterday (Sunday) and got alot more done. Now I'm basically just trying to get everything organized and all, which is such a headache. I had Victoria spend the night with me last night though. Yes, I still didn't want to be by myself. lol We had pizza, watched a movie on tv, talked and then went to bed. It was fun and I wasn't by myself so I felt alot better. So that's about it really....

Well, now that I'm up to date finally. This morning Victoria and I got up and I got ready for work, and thats about it. Left my house and went to work, about all I do during the week anyway. lol But I slept so good last night, I didn't want to get out of my warm bed this morning at all. After work I went to my parents house and ate dinner. Yes, they invited me so like I cant turn down a free meal. I got to my house later on and then Eric stopped by for a little while. :) We're not like that at all if you were wondering, were just friends. He is pretty cool though! Well, then I went to bed because I was tired as everything. It was my third night, well first night staying by myself. I did good though, actually slept fairly decent too.

I Don't Understand

Hello! Well today started off alright, but it sure wasn't the best day. I woke up this morning around 7ish and got ready for work. I called and talked to Leonard for a few mins which made my morning feel alot better. :) I hate being cold and today was defiantly cold outside and to add Dad was kinda on my case about some things, which is never fun. Work was really slow so I was able to get alot of Inventory done and some other things that needed to be done as well. But anyways... not to much happened today that was interesting as you can see. After work I met Dad and Jeremiah (my little brother) at Sams to get some things and plus I had to get gas. I've been driving with it practically on E since Sunday. lol Then I went by Home Depot to get a few things for the house that still need to be fixed. In the mean time of all this, after work I was texting Leonard and it wasn't to good. :'( He told me he had been thinking and he was starting to regret last night and that I was being to needy about things. I didn't mean to be 'needy' by any means and I sure as hell don't understand why in the world he'd be regretting what happened last night. I mean we both enjoyed it and had an amazing time--so I thought. He told me he just wanted to be friends nothing more, because he wasn't ready for whatever we are. That really didn't make any sense to me, because for one we've already talked about just being friends and you see where that got us. Not far because we both really liked each other. And what really hurt was when he told me "he realized I wasn't the right girl he was looking for and as much as he liked me there was still something not right" and he said "he needed a girl who wouldn't let him do that kind of stuff to her".So he said we could never be the same again, which all of that just devastated me and hurt so bad. I didn't expect any of that to just up and happen, I mean what we did last night took two and we both did it. It's not like either one of us was going against the others wil or something. It was almost like he was trying to give me some kind of guilt trip for what happened, but it wasn't just me thats the thing. You know? He said he wanted to be friends so I guess time will tell, but I know it's going to be really hard, at least for me. I was all upset in Sams with Dad, because thats about the time it happened. I was in tears and crying and Dad asked what was wrong of course, I tried to tell him but it made it worse. I told him before we went further that doing things along those lines would ruin things between us and I didn't want that to happen, and look that's exactly what it did to us. I knew I was right, but in the back of my head I knew it would be different with him. I'm still hoping it is, because something just doesn't feel right at all. I really thought he liked me and I think he still does to be honest. Maybe he's just scared of really getting close to me. I don't know but what I do know is that I care about him a whole lot and I'm not going to give up yet. One thing I don't do is say I care about someone and then when it gets hard just walk out, even though thats what usually happens to me. It's just how could I fall for another guy who once again would end up breaking my heart.... I mean I'm so stupid! Sorry I'm just rambling on about things like a crazy person. lol Well the last thing I told him was exactly this, "Okay. well I want you to know I'll give you your space. but I do like you alot and I've had an amazing few weeks with you. I want to be friends with you an keep in contact if you will. I'm so sorry for going further with you and I hope you'll forgive me? but I'm going to be here because you mean alot to me and I'm not going to go out looking for another guy when I care about one already. I'm strong and I wont give up." That was in a text that I sent him around 6pm and I never heard back. But I meant what I said, I am strong and I'm not going to give up yet. I talked to Dad about it a little and said to just give him some space and maybe yall can be friends and work things out. I mean if he is The One, then he'll still be The One later down the road. I know that's true, but it's still hard. I'm not a patient person by any means, but I knew I shouldn't have rushed into things like I've done in the past. But we learn from our mistakes, so as I say I must be learning alot. lol I sure feel that way sometimes, but anyways. I want you to all to know that I don't regret what happened not even in the least little bit and I'm not going to regret it either. As much as I should hate him or dis like him I can't make myself, because that's not the kind of person I am. I really thought he was my 'Prince Charming" and I know that sounds crazy but I did think he was. Even if he's not The One, he was still the most amazing guy I have ever been with. Yes, even after what he's just put me through. I'll never forget him and maybe in time we can work things out... I just really don't understand how things can go from so good to so stinking bad in such a short time. I can do this though and it's not the end of the world, I know that. I'll keep you all updated on my crazy hectic life later.

absolutely amazing

November the 5th (Monday), or I guess that would be two days ago now. lol I got see Leonard after all. Go figure... We couldn't break the record or go a day without seeing each other, now could we? We weren't suppose to get too, plus considering how we decided to be just 'friends' and all you'd think we could live a day without seeing the other. Well apparently we can't! I got off work and went by Wal-Mart for a little while and got some stuff, and then headed over to my new house. I honestly wasn't sure he was going to even come, but I'm glad he did. Seeing his truck pull up in my drive way around 6pm ish made me so happy. :) We ended up hanging out at my house for a while well actually till about 9pm ish. Yeah a long time, I know. We just talked, hung out, and he helped me do a few things. We want go into details though, sorry. lol Let's just say I really enjoyed it alot! But I have to say, so much for just being 'friends'. That's going to be a whole lot harder than either one of us thought. Plus it was his idea in the first place, and I give him credit it's still a good idea so that we can get to know each other, but I don't think it's going to work to well. I mean I'm completely crazy about him, and the way he acts I'd say he's crazy about me too. (Hopefully!!) Well I had a pretty good day Monday, specially that night.

Yesterday morning, (the 6th) he called me on his way to work and we talked for a few minutes. That always makes my morning alot better--just hearing his voice. Awww, how sweet! :) Work today has been a little stressful, but it was alright. I've been trying to get things organized and all that fun stuff. Last night Leo asked me to go to dance lessons with him tomorrow (or today now), because he didn't have a partner. He and his sister take Ballroom Dancing. Believe it or not I've actually always wanted to learn to dance, but it never really felt like me so I just never went through with it. I was really excited about it too though! Then he texted me this morning acting all weird and telling me I didn't have to go if I didn't want to. Well I defiantly wanted to go, that's for sure. He's like I know you need to work, and I do, but I went in early this morning so I could get off earlier. So I had it all planed out and everything, and then he's acting all weird, sounding like he doesn't want me to go with him now. After he invited me and everything... Then I found out he wanted to go with an 'old friend' who also just so happens to be an EX girlfriend. Well that really made me upset and I didn't know what to think at all by that point. I was just like whatever, go with her if that's what you want to do. I mean I know she's an EX for some reason, but since I don't know what that reason is it worries me a little. I guess part of me is afraid I'll lose him to her or some other girl for that matter. Whoever she is though, she'd have to be totally out of her mind stupid, not to like Leo. I mean he's an amazingly great guy. Anyway, he knew I was mad, but it was more upset than mad, and he apologized and told me he really wanted to go with me. So that was good, but it's just all the mixed emotions I'm getting from him I'm not sure what to make of them all. Sometimes there good and other times there bad, and then I just don't understand. I'm strong though, I do know that, and no matter what I'll get through this just like I've made it through everything else in my past. So on a better note... He picked me up from work around 4:30pm and we went to his lesson. It was my first time taking any kind of dance lesson and plus I had never been ballroom dancing before either. I had soooo much fun!!! I would love to do it again, but I don't know if I'll be able to. We'll see I guess. After dance we went back to my work so I could get my car, and well we might have got a little sidetrack for about an hour and a half. lol But he had to go meet up with Josh because he was suppose to be cooking for them (who knows why..) and then him and Josh go to the Handlebar every Tuesday. That was my understanding at least by what he said. He said he didn't invite me because he didn't want me to be mad that he dancing with alot of other girls. Well gah, I didn't really want to know that to be honest, but oh well. I trust him and I know he likes me. :) We left and I went home to ear dinner, got a shower, and then started watching my show on TV. I absolutely love Lincoln Heights, and it was the season finale. I thought I was actually going to get to watch it till someone decided to call me and interrupt. lol Leonard and Josh called and said they weren't dancing at the Handlebar and wanted to meet me at my new house. At first I said no because I was in my pjs already and had taken a shower, but what the heck I called him back and said I would. I couldn't resist! lol They got there about 9:30pm and we stayed till midnight. I'm kinda suppose to be home by 11pm but as you can see that didn't happen. Oh well! I had an amazing time!!! It was defiantly worth it for sure. I bet your wanted me to fill you in on some details now, aren't you? Well hate to break it to you that is not going to happen. Like I'm going to post my 'love life' on the internet. Least not those kinda details, but anyways change the subject. It was just amazing, wait I already said that. He's really, really, really good in..... and he makes me ..... haha You thought I was going to tell you something. lol Sorry, as you can tell I had alot of fun. =]

I'll post something else later on tonight about how my day went today. I know I do get behind sometimes but I'm busy and I have a life, but I also love to write (yes, type) so that's why I like doing this so much.

Continuation of My Prince Charming

Alright, so I'll finally get you up to date on everything after this post. Hopefully! lol So the next time I post something it will be under the right date at least. Thank goodness, because I'm really perticular about dates, specially when they mean something to me.

Okay, so on November 1st (Thursday) we were able to see each other once again after not thinking we would get too. Of course it wasn't for very long, but it made me happy. :)

Then on the 2nd (Friday) I got to see him for a few minutes. After I had got off work I rode to his Shop so that I could see him before him and his Dad went fishing for the weekend. I didn't want him to leave either... but he had to. lol Also let me add it was a week today--that we have known each other. To be honest it feels like a whole lot longer.

On the 3rd (Saturday) I was off of work, thank goodness. I went and picked up my table that I had bought for my new house and then did a little shopping that morning for some other house items. I talked and texted Leo on and off all day though, of course. Gah, I missed him soooo much and it hadn't even been 24 hours yet. lol Then that afternoon I found out he was coming home earlier than they had planned and I was going to get to see him after all. :) That just made my day a whole lot better. I hung out with Victoria and Kimberly most of the day, and worked over at my new house, and then after dinner we went to the movies. It was me, Leo, my sister, Kimberly, and Ben. We saw Rush Hour 3, which was good but most of us had already seen it. After the movie was over I took my sister and Kimberly home and then Leo and I just hung out for a while.

The 4th (Sunday), wow, where to even begin at. It was the most amazing yet hardest day ever. It started off with me meeting him and his family at there Shop around 10:30am. Then I went to church with them and that was alot of fun. It was different to say the least though, but in a good way. I've never been to such a small church before. It was less than 20 people, and that was including the four of us and the preacher. lol I enjoyed it alot, I'll probably go back next Sunday to be honest with you. I've kinda strayed from going to church in the past several months but I really want to start back going somewhere.Well after church we went to the grocery store to get some things for lunch and then went to there house. Yes, way out in what felt like the boonies, but it was really nice. I cant wait to have a house of my own one day with a little family, out in the country, with animals and everything. It's just so peaceful.... One day it'll happen, but till then I'm satisfied with what I have. By the way, Leo cooked lunch and it was really good. We had fish (that they caught), real french fries, and hush puppies. Sunday's are there football watching days, so that's what we were doing most of the afternoon. I'm not to big of a football fan really but just being with him and his family was wonderful. The Panthers, which is his team, were playing against the Titans. The score ended up being 7-20, I believe. After it was over we walked around outside for a little bit and then left to go get my car at the Shop. On the way we had to stop and get gas at The General Store, and well Chase (yes, one of my sorta ex's) was there. I guess you could say I wanted to show off in front of him and I kissed Leo and all and it wasn't right. Because then Leo said I was using him and I never meant for it to come across like that at all. I'd never want to use him or hurt him in any way ever. He means so much to me! But after he said that I was upset and we didn't say a word to each other till we got to the Shop. Even then I could barely talk, I was just to upset. So here's the abbreviated version of what happened... He told me he had been thinking all afternoon and he thought it would be best if we were just friends for right now. I never thought I'd hear that come out of his mouth, not after the week we had together. I know were not going out, or dating, at least officially, but still. I couldn't believe I was hearing this, it completely shocked me. I couldn't say anything, I just sat there in tears, and with his arms around me, I had a million things running through my head. When I finally calmed down we talked a little, or I attempted to at least. He said that he though us just being friends right now would be for the best for both of us. He told me he didn't want to hurt me because I meant alot to him and there was no use rushing things. Which is all very true and I think by him saying that was the most respectful, honest, and meaningful thing I've ever been told. It's just in the back of my head I am so afraid of losing him that's what scares me the most, but he promised he would never leave me. I mean it's not like we both aren't crazy about the other, but he's right we do just need to slow down and get to know each other. There's more to a relationship than just physical things anyways. I mean now that I look back on it I see why all my other relationships really didn't work out for the most part--probably because that's all there was to them. You know? So I can do this and so can he, we're both strong and we both just need time. After all that we went to go meet up with my parents at my new house. They were working on some stuff over there trying to get it ready for me to move in. :) Yah! He got to meet my dad for the first time, which was good, and he's already met my mom a little. But we didn't stay over there that long and then we both had to go home. Well even after all that I still had amazing day.

I could just go on and on about him and probably never run out of things to say. He never fails to amaze me each and everyday with something. I mean it truly is the small things in life that mean the most to me. It doesn't matter if I'm the one driving or he is, he always opens the door for me. That just goes to show how much he respects me and also how wonderful his parents are. That's just one of the many things he does... Anyways I'm done boring you all to death with my 'love life'. lol I'll fill you in on more later I'm sure.

Leonard Bishop // My Prince Charming

Hello! =] Lets see, where to begin at first... This is another slightly older post from one of my other blogs, but I wanted to post it on here too. Since this is what I'm going to be using from now on. At least till I get bored of it. lol Just kidding! This will speed you up on what's been going on in my life and so called 'love life', with someone who is very special to me. I apologize if some of the words are past tensed a little or the days don't make complete sense, but like I said I wrote it a week or two ago so just bare with me till I get you up to date. Okay? :)

On October 26th 2007, which was a Friday night, I met this amazing guy. His name is Leonard, but you can call him Leo if you want. I usually call him Quickie Poo though. Yes, that's an inside joke so don't ask. lol Here's the story though.... My friend Josh called me up Friday night and asked if he and a friend could stop by my new house and hang out. I was a little hesitant because I didn't know who his friend was, but I said yes anyway. My sister went with me to help clean and do whatever I had to do, but of course she ended up just watching tv with Josh. lol It was slightly awkward at first, but only for a few minutes. I had the most amazing time with him that night. We talked for a while, and then he decided to attempt to show me some different dances. That was interesting because I'm not very coordinated at times. lol Oh and yes he does dance, you heard me right. Him and his sister have been taking lessons since she graduated highschool. I think that's the sweetest thing ever too! We were standing outside at like 11:30 at night or so, getting ready to go but Josh and my sister wouldn't come on, because they were still watching TV. I gotta be honest about something... I didn't want him to leave at all. We were leaning up against my car, he was holding me in his arms and the way he looked at me was breath taking. There's no doubt about it, I could have stood there in his arms forever. It's so weird how we just fell for each other at first sight pretty much. Well I don't know about him, but I can tell you I defiantly fell for him the moment that he walked through my door. It's not like I planned that though because who would have ever guessed I'd be falling for a friend of Josh. lol In the back of my head I wasn't sure how he felt or what he thought of me, I mean I didn't know anything about him. I didn't want to get close to anyone or fall for another guy anytime soon, because after what I've been through in the past 3 years you'd know why. I keep telling myself I want fall for another guy, but it's like I end up doing it all over again. But just when I had decided to not let anyone close to me anymore for good, that's when he has to walk into my life. Okay, so I'm not complaining but it was just really hard. I'm so afraid of getting hurt and losing someone else that I get close to. You have no idea either! That's enough about that--it's getting depressing. After that night we started texting and talking on the phone some and it just went from there. Thank God he's Verizon. haha That's a major plus. lol

I didn't get to see him again till the 29th (Monday). Which let me say felt like forever. Josh and him picked me up and we went to a Haunted Trail. I had never been to one before and he knew that so of course he had to take me. lol Oh my gosh, I had so much fun though. It scared me, just a little, but it was a blast. I held his hand like the whole time literally and I hung on to Josh too. lol No I wasn't scared at all! haha After that we all went to a movie and saw The Life of Dan, or something like that. It was stupid, and of course Josh was the one who wanted to see it. But I didn't mind because I was with Leonard. :) By the way he paid for my movie and for the Haunted Trail. He even opens the door for me and all that sweet stuff. I'm not use to all this, but I like it alot. It shows how much he truly respects me. After the movie we were riding back to my house, it was late and we were in the backseat talking while Josh was blasting music. lol All the sudden a Linkin Park song came on, I think it was Bleed It Out, but anyways. We kissed.... for the first time. I was a little hesitant but it was absolutely amazing. Words cant even begin to describe what I felt. Before they dropped me off we were talking and I told him I was scared of getting close to him because I didn't want to lose him. I care for him so much already, it's crazy. But he said everything happens for a reason and it's going to be okay. And he's right it will be okay because we're not in a hurry and we've got all the time in the world. I just want to get to know him first and spend time together. You have to start somewhere and just take it slow. Because like I said, rushing into things never gets you anywhere. So as you can tell my second night with him was once again amazing. It's hard to believe that was only the second time we had been together, it feels like I have known him alot longer.

We saw each other again on the 30th (Tuesday), it still felt like forever again, but it had only been a day. lol I can't help it! He came over to my new house and helped me for a while and we hung out and just talked. I got my refrigerator and oven for my house Tuesday and they had to be cleaned majorly. lol The fridge had like nasty mold crap in it. Ewww! He helped me clean most of it because he knew I didn't want to touch it one bit. What guy helps you clean though... Not many, that's for sure. He was like I'm not here just for my good looks, I can't just stand here while you do everything. lol So he actually helped, which yes if you cant tell amazes me that a guy would actually make an effort to help me. I didn't want him to leave once again.... I could have stayed there forever. But we both had to go home because it was getting late.

We were able to see each other again on the 31st (Wednesday), which I didn't expect to happen because he
was suppose to be working that night at there house, fixing something. But I was sooo glad we got to after all! He picked me up around 6pm and I got to meet his parents. They're really nice people, and alot of fun too. :) Get this... my dad thought he knew who they were when I started telling him about them, and go figure he did. They own Leonard Bishop Transmission and that's where dad gets some of his trucks worked on. It's such a small world after all. I had been there several times with dad to drop vehicles off and I was like this looks familiar, and it was who we thought it was. That's so crazy that I'm just not meeting him when he's been there all along and I never knew it. Well, it took me 18 years to meet an amazing guy like him but that's okay. Not quite 18 years obviously, but still long enough. lol I'm not about to let this one go either, there's not a chance of that happening if I can help it. :) Well what we did Wednesday was go with his parents to Carowinds just to pick up his highschool ring that he had lost last weekend when he was there. Yeah, we drove that far for a ring and turned right back around to come home. lol It's okay though because as long as I was with him it didn't matter what we did or where we went. I slept on his chest half the time going anyways because I was really tired and I haven't felt that good either. It didn't really feel like it took us that long, but it might have been because we were a little pre-occupied. ;) Okay so here's the good part.... We dropped his parents off and he took me home. He asked me to be his girlfriend.... but I couldn't say anything. I felt awful but I didn't know what to say, I had a million things going through my head and I was completely speechless. I can't even explain it. I sat there for like half an hour saying nothing and trying my hardest not to cry. I know he probably thought I was crazy or something though. lol I finally just told him that I do like him alot, but I'm not ready to be in another relationship. As bad as I wanted to say YES, part of me still couldn't. He said he understood an I hope he really does, because he means alot to me. I like him so much and I've never felt this way about anyone before, honestly. He told me it was okay and promised me he wasn't going anywhere. I've been told that so many times before and it never meant anything, they eventually just walked out of my life for some reason and broke my heart. But life had to move on and if it hadn't of I would have never met Leonard. :) That's something to smile about right there. lol So I'm glad he's not going anywhere, because I don't want to lose him ever. I really want him in my life, even if for some reason we don't work out, I still need him as a friend. So I hope that part will never change between us. I mean once I truly care about someone I will forever, it may change a little in some aspects, but I will always stand by my word.

To sum everything up he's simply amazing. I say that alot but it's the only word I know that really describes it. I mean no one's perfect I know that, because I'll be the first to say I am far from it, but he's just...... Gah, I can't even talk I'm in such amazement. He's so respectful and treats me the way I or any girl for that matter should be treated. He has a great personality, he's sweet, funny, nice, caring, loving, fun to be with, he even opens doors, and pays for things, like I said before. What more can you ask for? lol He was brought up by two wonderful parents, by what I can tell at least, and that's defiantly a good thing. He dances which is really awesome too. Not many people know this (well now they will), but I've always wanted to learn how to dance. I can but you know what I mean. I'm told he can cook really good, and we already know he cleans. lol When I'm with him he sings like every song that comes on the radio, and I love hearing his voice. It makes me smile! :) I especially love when he calls me in the mornings just to talk for a minute, before we both have to go to work. That means alot to me too. See it's the simple things that mean the most..... I could go on and on about him but for now I think you all get the general idea.

So now that you all know what's going on in my life and all..... lol I'm really happy though! =] Meeting Leonard has been amazing and I've loved every second I get to spend with him. Like I said I've never felt such a strong connection with anyone before. I don't know what it is to be honest, but I'm willing to stick around and find out. I hope that feeling is mutual though. He's truly my Prince Charming....

~The Man for ME~

This is slightly old, but since I'm just not starting this blog I would like for this to be one of my post. I wrote it back on October the 4th, so not to too long ago. It's about the kinda man that I want and deserve, so I hope you like it. If not oh well, because it's for ME anyways. lol
I want to meet a guy who wants to know how forever feels... Sounds like a song, doesn't it? lol Anyways, it's not so lets get to the point of this blog. I've had my fair share of relationships ending in heartache, pain, anger, and so on. I've also had my share of amazing times with some wonderful guys, but they apparently weren't the ONE. Just so everyone knows I don't have anything against any of my ex's for whatever reason it didn't work out. They may have hurt me and vise versa but life moves on and I still care about them very much. God only knows why though! lol There are a few who mean the absolute world to me still and always will. If I say I care and I give you a part of me you'd better believe I do and that wont change for anything. It's been alot of fun at times and hard as hell at times. So to say the least, I've learned from each and every one of the 'relationships' I've been in and I've also moved on from wasting my time on guys who are jerks. I'm sick of all their little games, it's just ridiculous. I'm not something or someone to take for granted anymore and never was for that matter, but people treated me that way. I am a firm believer in true love and I know there's a guy out there meant and made just for me, as I am made for him. If you think your that man then go on reading... I want a guy who values God, family, and friends. Family means alot to me, so I want a guy who was brought up by a pair of outstanding parents similar to mine. I want his friends to also enjoy being around me and for my friends to like him as well. A guy who takes care of his body and isn't into drugs, smoking and things like that. Someone that is confident, yet not cocky. I want a man who's strong in his beliefs, opinions, self-motivation, and physically strong would defiantly be a plus. hah not a requirement though... lol That's not to say he has to be stubborn but I certainly would be able to handle it if he was. Basically I want a man who knows what he wants. And I hope those desires are the same as mine, to fulfill our own goals and careers but eventually be a family. The whole package kids and everything, one day that is. A guy that works for what he has and isn't handed everything on a silver platter. He doesn't mind just hanging out and doing nothing every now and then, because just being with each other is enough. I want a guy who loves the southern life, country living and such. Because I love trucks, animals, John Deere, and anything rebel flag. That would just be a plus, not to much of a requirement I guess. lol I want a man who will support me even when he doesn't agree with me, just as I would for him. I want someone who loves me for everything I am and everything I'm not and wouldn't change anything about me. I want a man who is happy with himself before we're together and has confidence in the man he is. I also want him to enjoy some of the same things as I, not everything, but enough to enjoy spending time with me and what we do together. He understands that I need to just hang out with the girls sometimes and have my own space. He doesn't get jealous if I talk to another guy and realizes that I have friends who are also guys. A man who always treats me with the respect I deserve and because he was brought up that way. I don't want to be treated just like 'another girl' by some a**. Sorry I tend to get frustrated when I'm talking about some of this stuff. He's not attached to my hip, clingy, or insecure. He doesn't require a phone call every hour of the day to know where I am, who I'm with, and what I'm doing... he trust me. But a phone call a few times a day wouldn't be bad just to say 'hi and ask how my day was going'. A guy who appreciates the nice things I try to do for him and realizes it. The small things in life truly do mean the most sometimes. All in all I want a man who is looking for commitment and not just "the good times", or friends with benefits crap. I'm not saying I haven't been down that road because I have, but you gotta grow up eventually. Let me clarify something, when I say I'm looking for a 'commitment', I don't mean I'm going to rush into anything irrationally because I'm not at all ready for anything serious. Because like I said I've been through alot in the past 3 years, and I'm just taking it one day at a time. I want to get to know someone first and really just become good friends, and then see where it goes from there. That's the best thing to do! I've rushed into so many relationships and done to much to quickly that I really believe that's what ruins a relationship. There's defiantly more to a relationship that merely just being physical. I don't want that to happen with the next person I get close to. Life is just to short and we're still young, so why rush into things. You know? I want nothing more than to have someone by my side to share and enjoy life through an amazing relationship by two people who truly care about each other more than they care about their self and for him to want to be there for me. If all of this doesn't make sense or seems like too much to match then I can truthfully say your just probably not him. I just want one man to prove to me that they're not all the same and I'm not settling for anything less than what I deserve.

Subject to change at any given time. lol So far though, does anyone have any comments?

The Beginning

Hey! I'm not sure who all will be reading this, but it doesn't matter. I'm starting this blog mainly for myself so that I can write (well, type) about what's going on in my life. If you are interested in reading about me and what's going on feel free too. :) I'll try to keep updated as much as I possibly can. Hope you enjoy!